This post was taken from my personal blog. It was written when I was 28 weeks pregnant with my 1st son. Since October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, I decided to share my personal struggles with pregnancy loss and infertility. This story picks up where the story of my infertility drops off.

by Shayla Brown

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The Gensis of My Healing: My Body

After my ordeal with my miscarriage and the trauma associated with it, I decided to move on by simply getting pregnant again. Because I had begun the process of learning to track my fertility, I assumed that all I had to do was conceive during what I understood to be my period of fertility, so I did.

Without any consideration that my plan could fail, I assumed that since I had done what I understood to be all I needed to do, conceive during fertility, I had gotten pregnant.

Did I take a pregnancy test?

Yes, I took several,

and all of them were negative.

However, at this point, I completely distrusted man-made products and, looking back on it now, I refused to accept that I wasn’t in control.

“Thus, despite the many negative pregnancy tests, I willed that I was pregnant, and my body reacted to my mind.”

Shayla Brown

I experienced a phantom pregnancy.

I don’t really want to go into too many details about that, but long story short, after months of hopping from doctor to doctor, not believing or trusting any of them, and going back and forth between doubting and reassuring myself, I concluded that I was not and had not been pregnant.

Another devastation for me–one I still wasn’t ready to deal with completely.

Related: I Am 1 in 4: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness

For the next 6 months I pushed forward with trying to conceive:

• I drank teas (tribulus , red raspberry leaf, oat straw, nettle, dandelion),
• I adopted a vegan diet,
• I gave up some social habits,
• I read books,
• I tracked my fertility,
• I exercised…

and though I lost 30 pounds, reversed my acne, and cured an aching tooth, it seemed that nothing I tried was getting me what I truly wanted–to become pregnant.

I was starting to think that something was wrong with me…and then one day while sitting on a downtown riverwalk bench talking with my husband, I honestly evaluated myself and my feelings toward my situation.

“The” Leviticus of My Healing: Getting My Mind Right

We had just left a Dr. Sebi office where we spoke with Dr. Sebi’s sister who listened to me tell my story and very graciously offered, “maybe it’s just not time”. We had been searching for answers for just under a year and the brick wall of that meeting left us with an undeniable resolve that we were forced to accept.

In the midst of that reality as I cried in frustration, he finally questioned why I was perusing pregnancy so hard.

As we sat on the park bench downtown in Memphis where we lived and worked at the time. After our walk along the park’s path we retired to a bench that faced the Mississippi River and overlooked it’s ebbs and flows.

“I realized in all my moving and pushing and trying, I was avoiding the truth.”

Shayla Brown

While I focused solely on my body, I was avoiding my mind and critically thinking about my situation because I wanted to avoid what I had been feeling–which was hurt.

I hadn’t admitted that my miscarriage and the nurse midwife’s dismissive treatment had deeply hurt my feelings. After it happened another older nurse attending me said it was a blessing. I think she just assumed that I didn’t want to have kids. I didn’t even tell my mother or any of my aunts because

Medical personnel and some of the people closest to me assured me my misfortunes had somehow been a blessing.

I tried to use that.

I was avoiding feeling disappointment.

“You can always try again” I kept hearing others say.

I tried to use that.

I was avoiding being angry.

I told myself I wasn’t allowed to feel anger.

“Most of all, though, I avoided breaking down and giving up control.”

I was trying to avoid accepting that I could not control my situation because that meant I couldn’t make my problems go away. It meant that I would instead have to face them and accept them, and maybe even not know what to do about them.

Maybe I’d just have to wait.

Patiently.

With no clue as to when I would have my wish.

My Exodus: The Healing of My Soul

I realized:

“I am hurt, and I am so, because I am impatient. I am impatient, because I am afraid. I am afraid because I unwilling to let go.

I unwilling to let go because it requires that I trust a force outside of myself, and I’ve never been able to do that…ever.

I deal with all my problems all on my own, I thought, because in this world (I’d reasoned), who is there to depend on?

And like that, I was free.

Saying those words out lout to my husband…more-so to myself…I was free.

I could properly address my issues because I now knew what they really were.

I needed to trust and submit to my process and understand that the greatest strength comes from the ability to be vulnerable.

“Taking the time to stop and react to a trauma is not whining or complaining, it’s being alive and feeling. Not only is it okay, but it is necessary to do in order to heal.”

Shayla Brown

The Rainbow Appears in the Clouds

“‘As for you, be fruitful and increase in number; multiply on the earth and increase upon it.”/…Never again will all life be cut off…never again…Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember…This is the sign…’” -Genesis 9:7-17

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That realization I’m describing happened in mid-June.

Then next month on July 2, I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant.

Apparently all of my hard work had paid off. I literally had to let go and TRUST the healers who were teaching me and trust the good results I did notice even when they weren’t the exact ones I was expecting.

I learned the reward of patience— that if ever there is something that I want more than anything, but nothing I do seems to get me that thing, I probably just need to keep working towards it, and develop my mind and my heart while I wait.

I’m thankful for that.

I’m thankful that challenges make me better.