If there is anything I learned from my 4th birth it’s that I feared the prospect of being, or appearing to be vulnerable. Early labor is always hard for me because, while I know that the best thing to do is relax and focus on laboring, being that attentive to myself before I am in debilitating pain always leaves me sunken in feelings of guilt.
For one, since my 2nd birth, the question of where my kids will go always caused so much anxiety. Having them abandoned by my mother, my brother, and his girlfriend during my 3rd labor created my fears around this concern.
Though we had reconciled since the last birth and since made a 4th baby, my husband and I still weren’t on picture-perfect terms during this 4th labor so I was extremely reluctant to want or need him in any way. That being the case, I spent most of that labor, and the preparation for it, by myself trying my best to manage it alone.